El must confess to occasionally watching The Real Housewives of NYC... and while El enjoys the train wreck that is this show, El is wondering why Bravo is not calling him. El has a much more colorful existence. El also happens to be stylish. El would also be willing to make a really bad dance record...
El has been distracted lately by this thing called life. Yes, even El has issues. Even El has things to deal with, but apparently he deals with it all with aplomb because El also gets lots of mail (of the e and snail variety) asking for advice.
See exhibit A:
May I call you El? I feel like you wouldn't mind.
Lately I've been wondering what to do with my life. It's ok, but I feel there could be more. You seem to live a fabulous existence and never seem to be at a loss for what to do next. What do you suggest I do?
Well, as you can imagine, El was thrilled to get this piece of mail... and El was happy to tell William exactly what he could do.
El is wondering if the deep thoughts mentioned in the previous post, and seen in the post before that, are coming from his good friend... Große Fette Eule... El knows that while he is wise, nothing is wiser than Große Fette Eule. Of course, El is still more powerful... and more stylish. And let's face it, has more going on, but still, El will give props to the wise old owl.
El thinks Große Fette Eule likes El because he's round... echoing the roundness that is the owl's eyes... echoing the roundness that is that owl. El can get behind the owl. What El can't get behind are owl pellets. El finds them a tad nasty. El's all for understanding that internal workings are not the same... after all, El is filled with cream, but still... owl pellets. Mmmm... no. El prefers the owl to regurgitate wise thoughts, not pellets.
Yes, El gets mail... all sorts of mail. Most of the time El is flattered. Most of the time... and then there are the times when El gets mail like this:
Dear Mr. Snacktator,
My daughter, Lucy, is having her 7th birthday next month. Can I rent you for the party? Do you make balloon animals? Can we eat you after you're finished entertaining the kids? Will it really be you or just a stand-in? I'm not sure I understand how there can be so many Els. I'm thinking it must be something similar to Santa and his elves. I sure do love you though and always have.
Please let us know about the party. If you can't do it, we'll have to see if we can rent a clown. My daughter's first choice was Little Debbie, but apparently she's someone now... has her own jet and all. Debbie doesn't do parties anymore, but suggested that you might.
We still love you though. Really.
After El regained consciousness, he reminded himself to write Little Debbie a thank you... and then he spent the rest of the day in a funk, wondering how the mighty have indeed fallen. How is it that one day you're the king of the world, deciding between an invite from Picasso and Hemingway, and the next, you've got Janice McQueen asking you if you'll do kids' parties and if all of those cupcakes are really you. El doesn't even know how to answer that one. El wants to say...
Get help... and perhaps an education.
But El won't. El still has manners, and El is appreciative of any mail... of anyone who remembers... because on some days when he's roaming around his huge estate, talking to nothing more than his loyal moose and perhaps the condiment containers, El wonders if it might not be time to do the kiddie circuit...
El bets William Shatner has never gone through this... not even between gigs... when he barely had the money for a new toupee...