Dylan Pez Nightmare

How is it possible that El has not posted in almost two months?! El guesses the fact that he ended up on the cutting room floor right before his German premiere had something to do with it...

But, El is back... to talk of nightmares and to soothe his shaken mind.

Last night, as El was deep in slumber, did El dream about being the .00001%?? No, El dreamed about being stalked by a grammatically correct Pez dispenser. Yes, that's right. Dylan... Dylan Brody, El's #1 stalker, stalked him in his dreams.

El couldn't run. El just stood there, throwing his hands into the air, trying to strike his iconic pose, but unfortunately, he only ended up looking like he had surrendered. 

German Premiere!!!

Yes, El knows he's been gone... Yes, El knows you've missed him, but like most American icons, El has been filming in Germany. We've got to make a living, right?? Even The Hoff knows this! Although, El confesses to not being a huge Hoff fan. As one of El's German friends said... no, not all Germans are ga-ga uber das Hoff... He said, "The Hoff has no pathos!"

Nuff said.

El wants it on a t-shirt.

But back to El... El's German video debut will be this next Sunday. Stay tuned!

And... Dieter?? You and your monkey may eat your heart out!

El takes a moment to stand on his cake box...

And tells you to GO READ THIS... written by El's #1 stalker, Dylan Brody. El loves it. El also knows Dylan has gotten hate mail. El has seen some of the comments... El never ceases to be amazed at people who continually miss the point. El is also heartened by the fact that many people do get it.

Here... El will give you a little teaser right here... then GO READ THE REST! Do it! El doesn't really ask for much considering he is ruler of all... and as ruler of all, he says, go read. Go on.

When kids in grade school told me that I was going to Hell because I did not believe in God, my parents admonished me not to fight over it, not to argue the point. They told me that Christians find that offensive and there was no reason to actively offend people. I was not to use curse words in public as they offend some people. I was not to talk about politics because some people could be offended. I carried a lot of this sensitivity into adulthood. I have striven over the years to express my opinions gently, to couch them in good humor and have taken care, whenever possible to maintain the high ground. I have put effort into voicing my ideas without ruffling anyone's feathers.

Those with whom I disagree have never shown me the same courtesy. Telling a child that he will be punished eternally for his thoughts is cruel. Eliminating words from the common vocabulary, regardless of the social mores that prompt the action, is censorship unmitigated.

She's a woman who writes... not wrangles away your husband!

El's dearly beloved FB friend, Vicki Abelson, got her first HuffPo headline yesterday... for her first post. Needless to say, it won't be her last.

Apparently Vicki is single woman persona non grata. El understands... El knows many husbands who want him nowhere near their spouses. Women just want to eat him up! He's got that kind of allure.

Vicki is always welcome at El's table and may sit by whomever she chooses.

Update: El is obviously not a cupcake who writes, or he wouldn't have ended his post title with a preposition. It has since been corrected. El also knows Vicki would never do that... although apparently her friends think she might end her sentences with a proposition.

El continues to get mail... feels the need to rant

The other day, El received a letter (yes, a real letter, handwritten even!) reminding him of the fact that he should watch his P's and Q's... he was a role model for children after all!

To this, El thought...

Really?

El is a role model? For children? El, the cupcake he was, long ago, was aimed at children, but he's not sure he was ever a role model. If he had been, he would have been convincing them of filling their bodies with preservatives and additives... touting endless freshness. Wait... El thinks there are plenty of adults in Hollywood who must have been children way back when El was new... they must have listened as El sees many people who are filled with preservatives and additives... perhaps they are wishing to be eternal cupcakes...

Nonetheless... El is really not, and never has been, a role model... but if he were to be one, he'd be more of one now... as he went rogue long ago (damn Palin for ruining that term!), dancing to the beat of his very own drummer. No, he said, I will not just be one more mass-produced cupcake! I will be THEE cupcake. I will do my own thang... revel in my uniqueness even in the face of endless copies... even in the face of people telling me I should do otherwise... for the good of the children! Pffft. Come one... if El were really for the good of the children, he'd have been an apple. El may be fun for children, and tasty for everyone, but El, as a commercial product, before becoming the voice of reason, was really only good for the bottom line... and El's not talking about your own, because if you're concerned about your bottom, you won't be eating anything that looks like El.

So, dear letter-writer... while El appreciates the correspondence, and El believes everyone has a right to their own opinion... do not expect this cupcake to be 100% child-friendly, because he's never been 100% child-friendly.

Besides... do we really want to send the message to our children that we eat our role models?? El thinks not.

El Runs/Ran in Cool Circles...

Today is the birthday of three of El's great friends, all artistic in nature, all understanding the depth and nuance of El. Unfortunately two of them have since slipped off this mortal coil. One still remains. Come to think of it, the two who have since departed, have captured El's greatness. One still has not... El's going to have to do something about that.

Happy Birthday, Ed... ya old moody bastard!


Happy Birthday, Sandy!! El always loved your playfulness.



And last, but not least... Happy Birthday, Cat! YOU ROCK!!!

Oh the Cruel Irony

El, feeling slightly sorry for Mr. Dylan Brody, decided to take pity on him and release him from El's spell. El realizes that not everyone wants to be enraptured. El realizes that not everyone can stand the magnetic pull that El exudes. Dylan was not sure he could handle being the moon to El's sun, so El released him.

Unfortunately it doesn't work like that. El's #1 fan is even more under El's spell. Oh well. You can't fight the power.