Yes, El gets mail... all sorts of mail. Most of the time El is flattered. Most of the time... and then there are the times when El gets mail like this:
Dear Mr. Snacktator,
My daughter, Lucy, is having her 7th birthday next month. Can I rent you for the party? Do you make balloon animals? Can we eat you after you're finished entertaining the kids? Will it really be you or just a stand-in? I'm not sure I understand how there can be so many Els. I'm thinking it must be something similar to Santa and his elves. I sure do love you though and always have.
Please let us know about the party. If you can't do it, we'll have to see if we can rent a clown. My daughter's first choice was Little Debbie, but apparently she's someone now... has her own jet and all. Debbie doesn't do parties anymore, but suggested that you might.
We still love you though. Really.
Sincerely,
Janice McQueen
After El regained consciousness, he reminded himself to write Little Debbie a thank you... and then he spent the rest of the day in a funk, wondering how the mighty have indeed fallen. How is it that one day you're the king of the world, deciding between an invite from Picasso and Hemingway, and the next, you've got Janice McQueen asking you if you'll do kids' parties and if all of those cupcakes are really you. El doesn't even know how to answer that one. El wants to say...
Dear Janice,
Get help... and perhaps an education.
xoxo
El Snacktator
But El won't. El still has manners, and El is appreciative of any mail... of anyone who remembers... because on some days when he's roaming around his huge estate, talking to nothing more than his loyal moose and perhaps the condiment containers, El wonders if it might not be time to do the kiddie circuit...
El bets William Shatner has never gone through this... not even between gigs... when he barely had the money for a new toupee...
The Sounds Of Silence
8 years ago
13 comments:
Mr. DeMille says it's time for your closeup.
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All schools, all colleges, maintain two mammoth functions: to award, and to conceal, valuable knowledge. The theological conception which they not reveal cannot justly be regarded as less valuable than that which they reveal. That is, when a servant is buying a basket of strawberries it can profit him to understand that the bottom half of it is rotten.
Anon seems to be getting a few things off his/her chest.
Little Debbie? Is that you?? Been tipping the bottle again? Yes, El went there!
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The more things transformation, the more they scraps the same.
Jokes of the proper well-intentioned, nicely told, can do more to coach questions of diplomacy, philosophy, and literature than any company of bovine arguments.
Lovingly done is sick than well said.
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