Nov 17, 2011

Dylan Pez Nightmare

How is it possible that El has not posted in almost two months?! El guesses the fact that he ended up on the cutting room floor right before his German premiere had something to do with it...

But, El is back... to talk of nightmares and to soothe his shaken mind.

Last night, as El was deep in slumber, did El dream about being the .00001%?? No, El dreamed about being stalked by a grammatically correct Pez dispenser. Yes, that's right. Dylan... Dylan Brody, El's #1 stalker, stalked him in his dreams.

El couldn't run. El just stood there, throwing his hands into the air, trying to strike his iconic pose, but unfortunately, he only ended up looking like he had surrendered. 

Sep 17, 2011

German Premiere!!!

Yes, El knows he's been gone... Yes, El knows you've missed him, but like most American icons, El has been filming in Germany. We've got to make a living, right?? Even The Hoff knows this! Although, El confesses to not being a huge Hoff fan. As one of El's German friends said... no, not all Germans are ga-ga uber das Hoff... He said, "The Hoff has no pathos!"

Nuff said.

El wants it on a t-shirt.

But back to El... El's German video debut will be this next Sunday. Stay tuned!

And... Dieter?? You and your monkey may eat your heart out!

Aug 30, 2011

El takes a moment to stand on his cake box...

And tells you to GO READ THIS... written by El's #1 stalker, Dylan Brody. El loves it. El also knows Dylan has gotten hate mail. El has seen some of the comments... El never ceases to be amazed at people who continually miss the point. El is also heartened by the fact that many people do get it.

Here... El will give you a little teaser right here... then GO READ THE REST! Do it! El doesn't really ask for much considering he is ruler of all... and as ruler of all, he says, go read. Go on.

When kids in grade school told me that I was going to Hell because I did not believe in God, my parents admonished me not to fight over it, not to argue the point. They told me that Christians find that offensive and there was no reason to actively offend people. I was not to use curse words in public as they offend some people. I was not to talk about politics because some people could be offended. I carried a lot of this sensitivity into adulthood. I have striven over the years to express my opinions gently, to couch them in good humor and have taken care, whenever possible to maintain the high ground. I have put effort into voicing my ideas without ruffling anyone's feathers.

Those with whom I disagree have never shown me the same courtesy. Telling a child that he will be punished eternally for his thoughts is cruel. Eliminating words from the common vocabulary, regardless of the social mores that prompt the action, is censorship unmitigated.

Aug 25, 2011

She's a woman who writes... not wrangles away your husband!

El's dearly beloved FB friend, Vicki Abelson, got her first HuffPo headline yesterday... for her first post. Needless to say, it won't be her last.

Apparently Vicki is single woman persona non grata. El understands... El knows many husbands who want him nowhere near their spouses. Women just want to eat him up! He's got that kind of allure.

Vicki is always welcome at El's table and may sit by whomever she chooses.

Update: El is obviously not a cupcake who writes, or he wouldn't have ended his post title with a preposition. It has since been corrected. El also knows Vicki would never do that... although apparently her friends think she might end her sentences with a proposition.

Aug 10, 2011

El continues to get mail... feels the need to rant

The other day, El received a letter (yes, a real letter, handwritten even!) reminding him of the fact that he should watch his P's and Q's... he was a role model for children after all!

To this, El thought...


El is a role model? For children? El, the cupcake he was, long ago, was aimed at children, but he's not sure he was ever a role model. If he had been, he would have been convincing them of filling their bodies with preservatives and additives... touting endless freshness. Wait... El thinks there are plenty of adults in Hollywood who must have been children way back when El was new... they must have listened as El sees many people who are filled with preservatives and additives... perhaps they are wishing to be eternal cupcakes...

Nonetheless... El is really not, and never has been, a role model... but if he were to be one, he'd be more of one now... as he went rogue long ago (damn Palin for ruining that term!), dancing to the beat of his very own drummer. No, he said, I will not just be one more mass-produced cupcake! I will be THEE cupcake. I will do my own thang... revel in my uniqueness even in the face of endless copies... even in the face of people telling me I should do otherwise... for the good of the children! Pffft. Come one... if El were really for the good of the children, he'd have been an apple. El may be fun for children, and tasty for everyone, but El, as a commercial product, before becoming the voice of reason, was really only good for the bottom line... and El's not talking about your own, because if you're concerned about your bottom, you won't be eating anything that looks like El.

So, dear letter-writer... while El appreciates the correspondence, and El believes everyone has a right to their own opinion... do not expect this cupcake to be 100% child-friendly, because he's never been 100% child-friendly.

Besides... do we really want to send the message to our children that we eat our role models?? El thinks not.

Jul 22, 2011

El Runs/Ran in Cool Circles...

Today is the birthday of three of El's great friends, all artistic in nature, all understanding the depth and nuance of El. Unfortunately two of them have since slipped off this mortal coil. One still remains. Come to think of it, the two who have since departed, have captured El's greatness. One still has not... El's going to have to do something about that.

Happy Birthday, Ed... ya old moody bastard!

Happy Birthday, Sandy!! El always loved your playfulness.

And last, but not least... Happy Birthday, Cat! YOU ROCK!!!

Jul 7, 2011

Oh the Cruel Irony

El, feeling slightly sorry for Mr. Dylan Brody, decided to take pity on him and release him from El's spell. El realizes that not everyone wants to be enraptured. El realizes that not everyone can stand the magnetic pull that El exudes. Dylan was not sure he could handle being the moon to El's sun, so El released him.

Unfortunately it doesn't work like that. El's #1 fan is even more under El's spell. Oh well. You can't fight the power.

Jun 29, 2011

Don't Mess with El's #1 Stalker

El was elated when he recently discovered that season 2 of The Green Room with Paul Provenza was going to be starting soon. El really enjoyed the first season.

But then El looked closely at those who would be on this season... all in all, a great selection. Still, someone seemed to be missing. Who could it be? Could it be El's #1 stalker??

Dylan Brody??

Where is Dylan?!? El knows he was in the audience during season 1. Dylan also shouted out a joke... El assumed Dylan would soon be moving to the roundtable, but apparently not. Good word has it that Dylan will be in the audience again... shouting out jokes. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Now is that good enough for El's #1 stalker? Hell no.

El has not yet decided the best recourse, but he will.

In the meantime, El will share a little Dylan... it's Dylan speaking at Vicki Abelson's "Women Who Write". El chose that clip merely because he loves Vicki... one of his first FB friends. Vicki rocks.

Jun 20, 2011

El for One and One for El

El received notice that his #1 fan, Dylan Brody, was again tweeting about him. El is not surprised. If El were not El, he'd be tweeting about him. Wait, El tweets about El even though El is El. Let's just end with it would be understandable if everyone were tweeting about El... what's not understandable is why they are not...

Another point that is not quite understandable is this "human alter-ego" thing. This confuses El. Human? Alter-ego? El can understand humans desiring to be him. It is El's world after all. But to suggest that El is not who he purports to be?? Well... perhaps Mr.. Brody is projecting!!!

Someone who apparently has all of the facts together would be this puffsnmuffs character... also found on teh Twitterwebs... El keeps reading it as "Puff N' Stuff"... but none the less, this puffing character is obviously well aware of El's influence and reach. El does tend to beam a ray of loveliness into the lives of those he deems to touch.
El would also like to point out that Shatner had a chance to bask in this glow, but ignored it... How's that working for you now, Bill?? Hmmm???

"On May 15, 2011, CBS announced that it had canceled $#*! My Dad Says."

Jun 18, 2011

Father's Day... As interpreted by a cupcake...

People often ask El is he's a father... since you know... donuts have donut holes. El's not sure he follows the logic...

But, back to the question... is El a father? HELLZ YEAH!

He's the father of ALL cupcakes! Pffft.

There are days when El could see Charlton Heston playing him in his biopic... El Charlton... handing down cupcake rules on slabs of baked goodness... for all to follow... El Charlton, telling everyone who comes near to get their damn filthy paws off his creamy goodness.

Unfortunately, Charlton is passe... but El is not.

Viva el pastelillo!!!

And Happy Father's Day to everyone, whether a father or not.

Jun 11, 2011

Callista Attacks!!!

El kept thinking that Mrs. Gingrich reminded him of someone... and then it dawned on him. El apologizes to Lisa Marie...

Jun 8, 2011

Revealing Pix of El Snacktator's Package!!!

Oh dear! El is not sure how, but a lewd and lascivious photo of El's package has gotten out and is being shared across the interwebs!

Yes, El has tweeted his package... El refuses to resign. El still rules the world. Get used to it.

For those wondering about El's real package... he refers you to Exhibit A:

Jun 5, 2011

El Gets Mail

Yes, El still receives many, many letters/e-mails a day... some requesting advice, some requesting marriage, some just extolling El's virtues. El likes those the best, but hey, attention is attention, so El is appreciative of all.

El's most recent e-mail requested more info about... El! Ms. Laura H. of Bemidji, MN (El had never heard of Bemidji before, but was happy to read that it is a historically charming, progressive and beautiful north woods city to visit.) Although El has shared plenty of his past, not to mention that El's beginnings are very much a part of the public record, Ms. H wanted to know any little idiosyncrasies that might not be common knowledge. El is more than happy to oblige. Ms. H?? Are you paying attention??

Fun Facts about El!

1) All El facts are fun.
2) El can do almost anything with gloves on... and his hands raised in the air.
3) El sleeps on his back. Really, this is a no-brainer.
4) El's squiggles are removable and varied (see last paragraph here)... El changes it as he changes his mind.
5) El firmly believes in live and let live. El has noticed during his many decades on the planet that most people get their undies in a knot and tell others what to do, while demanding that others not tell them what to do. Really??
6) El is afraid of the word "kerfuffle". Let's just leave it at that.
7) Every single cupcake with any variety of squiggle is merely an homage to the one and only true El. When they made El Snacktator, they broke the mold... because they knew people wouldn't want to eat cupcakes that talk... OK, OK, El was a reject. El was a baking plan gone awry. At least that's what they'll tell you. But that's a post for another time...
8) El is a better Rorschach test than the Rorschach test. They have even had Rorschach tests read El's posts to see what the Rorschach test was thinking.
9) El dances daily.
10) El loves dogs... probably because dogs are not supposed to eat chocolate.
11) El is not very tall. El knows this surprises some.
12) El had first shot at Marlon Brando's role in A Streetcar Named Desire, but El was too charismatic. They felt they had to go with someone with less je ne sais quoi... El understood.
13) El was the only cameo cut out of The Aristocrats... again, it was that superb timing and out of control charisma... Oh well, El always thought it would have been funnier had it been "A cupcake walks into an agent's office..."
14) El has a stalker... El won't name any names... DYLAN BRODY! El takes solace in the fact that he has an eloquent stalker... a humorous stalker... a man who brings a certain intellectual prestige to stalking...
15) El's favorite word? Moose. He loves the way his lips gently pucker, and his nostrils gently flair while saying it. Mmmmoose. Say it with El! Mmmmmoose! See?? It's good... and given that Laura H. lives in Northern Minnesota, El is guessing she can relate.

El hopes that satisfied your curiosity Laura! El is eternally complex and eternally changing... so don't be surprised if you come back next week and find all of his answers have changed... It's El's world. He's allowed to do that.

The Evil Eyebrow

El's sleep was plagued with nightmares of being chased by vicious, flapping eyebrows. El found himself running through the streets, much like Tippi Hedren in The Birds, while predatory eyebrows came swooping down. However, unlike Tippi, El had no phone booth in which to hide.

El is thinking his dreams may have spawned from this... or perhaps his nightmares were merely influenced by the preponderance of crap that is spewing from his neighbor's cottonwood tree (note to sELf... buy a larger estate). Icing and cottonwood fluff do not mix. El will remain indoors until the horror is over.

Jun 1, 2011

Few people can deny the glow that a nod from El imbues... Updated!

... well, except maybe Das Shat... Das Shat who never, ever acknowledged the wonder that is El. Come to think of it... neither did Connery! He was probably just jealous because El rocked the Zardoz singlet better than he ever did!

But who has acknowledged the power that is El?? That feeling of "bafflement and wonder" that only a nod from El can bring??

Yes, you know it... El's new BFF*... Dylan.

I give you exhibit A:

El understands. And... apparently Dylan knows upon which side his bread is buttered... or cupcake is frosted... although El's not really frosted because El's not angry... or El is frosted... just iced, you know? But not on ice. Oh never mind.

El has been spurned for so long that a little wind up his trench coat goes a long way.


Here's an actual video of El acting as Dylan. El thinks he did a pretty good job. Special note to ZRM... you'll appreciate the nod to correct grammar.

* until El, who often suffers from ADD or MSG, moves on...

May 27, 2011

dELan Brodytator

OK, El lied. El has not called it quits, he was just depressed. Certain despots have been giving all despots a bad name these days and El felt it was tarnishing his reputation.

Also, a few weeks ago, El was up for The Huffington Post's "7 Sites You Should Be Wasting Your Time On Right Now!" El was snubbed for cats and babies. Pffft. There was a day when people couldn't get enough of El, but El was suspecting that his time was past... he was becoming nothing more than a baked version of Norma Desmond.

El then realized his real and true Facebook friend, Dylan Brody, wrote for The Huffington Post. Hmm, Dylan is no despot, but rather, a regular (some would protest this) guy. What would life be like if El lived as a regular man, yet one who still receives the adulation of the masses?? El was intrigued. Not to mention the fact that Dylan has hair... El's always wanted hair, but hair and baked goods usually don't mix... but still... what would life be like?

El decided to go undercover as Dylan... an award winning playwright, humorist and thrice published author and a regular contributor to The Huffington Post. In recent years, he has emerged as a radio raconteur, whose witty and profound tales of his journey through life are unique, yet utterly recognizable to everyone, earning him a reputation as one of America’s fastest rising storytellers.

Well! Smell him! Never mind that El is the one and only snack cake dictator... But El digresses... Dylan it would be.

Although it was intriguing to have hair and eyebrows, El's not sure people bought it. El thinks he looks a bit more like Raymond Burr... and everyone knows Raymond Burr and his career are both dead. Still, it was fun being out there... taking environmental publicity shots that highlighted that hair... oh that hair...

One other thing about the hair though... El realized it's frickin' hot. Perhaps that's why he kept sweating... and El means nonstop brow and upper lip sweat. Dear. Lord. Or perhaps it was because El was performing on stage. Those lights are hot. Or perhaps that was just El doing Dylan a little too well.

Anyhow, El's got his mojo back... and his smooth pate.

May 17, 2011


El is thinking perhaps the days of despots are over... even benevolent ones who merely wanted to support the arts... or support their own egos... or both...

Apr 15, 2011


El's been a bit off center lately. El's not been in touch with his inner-compass, which normally always point to El, but El's feeling it again and El is reveling in his wonderfulness. How many other snack cakes have risen to such heights? How many snack cakes have rubbed shoulders (OK, El's rubbed his shoulder on their ankles) with those who define centuries?

El may not be President. El may not be Gwyneth, but dammit, El is still El... ruler of the world, whether people know it or not.

El still kicks ass.

Not to mention... El still looks better in a red singlet than Sean Connery...

Apr 14, 2011

Hey! How the El are ya??

So, El's scanning a news site and what does he see? This:

Apparently it's a list of current news, because you know, Gwyneth hosting a dinner party is BIG NEWS! El also notices a complete and utter lack of any news about El. Apparently no one is curious about what El is doing. No one asks El how he is. El is perplexed. El is tired of people thinking he's living the life of whatever character it is that they have on the front of the Hostess Cupcake box. You play one part and you're typecast for life.

Justin Bieber breaks from Twitter.... yeah, right. El broke from Twitter about 22 hours after he signed up, but was there a news blurb about that?? Heck no.

El has mingled with the best and the brightest. El has gone where no cupcake has gone before. El is the first snack cake dictator... but apparently that is not newsworthy... but Gwyneth?? Gwyneth merely has to feed people some food and she makes the news.

El is food, people!! And so much more...

Apr 12, 2011

Some Dawn will take care of that Palin Sheen...

El's been informed that he's got possible competition in next years Presidential race.

To that, El says, "HA!!"

And while El believes in living and let live... El doesn't think Charlie would live that one down. There's crazy and then there's crazy.

Apr 7, 2011

Putting Out the Feelers

El has been busy launching a Presidential Exploratory Committee, seeing if perchance he might be what this country is needing in 2012.

So far people have asked why El would run for President when he's already Ruler of the World. Good question, but really, dictators like to amass titles and medals and hats. El hears he can get a Nobel Peace Prize in the deal as well.

The fact that El is a cupcake has also been brought up. Does it say anywhere in the Constitution that the President must be human? El thinks history shows otherwise.

Questions have also arisen around El's possible choice of running mate... Das Shat. He's Canadian. Pffft! Canada is even closer to the DC than Alaska! Enough said.

As for eventually entering the race and actually winning? El says, "Piece of cake!"

El has been taking random suggestions for possible slogans. Feel free to add in the comments. Possible slogans so far?

Speak softly and carry a big squiggle.

Let them eat cake.

You can have your cake and elect it too.

What's not to like about cake!?

No chocolate shortages!

*The PR firm of RSFish was kind enough to knock out the above poster for El. El thinks it has a certain je ne sais quoi.

Apr 1, 2011

El has been deposed...

... by his own morose thoughts, what with dictators getting a bad name these days, and El can understand. El can understand that not all dictators are benevolent... not all are... El...

But still, it's been a rough week or three. Combine that with the fact that El's deal with Das Shat fell through again. Let's just say it's been a rough week to be a dictator.

Update: El is so out of it, he can't even spell deposed... it's been corrected... although "desposed" seems to work with despot...

Mar 20, 2011

El is going into seclusion for Teh Shat's b-day...

El has donned his Captain Kirk ensemble in honor of the upcoming anniversary of the birth of dramatic greatness... Mr. William Shatner... aka "Teh Shat!", but El cannot celebrate, as Teh Shat has not returned his calls about doing perhaps... a duet, or a two man, er... one man, one cupcake show.

Still, El loves Der Shat. Perhaps El should have dressed up as a Tribble...

Shatner, can you hear me?
Shatner, can you see me?
Shatner can you find me in the night?
Shatner are you near me?
Shatner, can you hear me?
Shatner, can you help me not be frightened?
Looking at the skies I seem to see
A million eyes which ones are yours... in this galaxy?
Where are you now that yesterday
Has waved goodbye
And closed its doors?
Space is so much darker;
The wind is so much colder;
The world I see is so much bigger
Now that I'm alone.... doing a one cupcake show!

Note to self: Just because Der Shat wears a nasty-ass toupee is no reason El must... even when showing reverence to him.

Mar 8, 2011

Mardi Gras: Let the Wild Rumpus Start!

For tomorrow, we fast... or some do. Not El. El can't give up anything other than mediocrity. That's it. El will give up mediocrity. Shouldn't be too hard to do...

El would also like to note that he will not be giving up Teh Shat... as this is his b-day month. El is thinking of sending himself to Teh Shatner... with a tasteful bow, of course. We will work together... he just doesn't know it yet.

Mar 7, 2011

S'mores Anyone??

So, apparently Charlie Sheen has fire breathing fists. Apparently Charlie Sheen is the new Chuck Norris. Pffft. El still rules the world... they just live here.

Feb 19, 2011

They say it's your birthday!

Yes, El's been busy, but not too busy to say, it is indeed his b-day. El's been receiving love far and wide, but thinks this tribute has been his favorite so far... that is until someone delivers a gift-wrapped Shatner!

praise now el snacktator
wonderful dictator
of him we sing
ruler throughout the world
chocolate faced vanilla swirled
...his plastic wrapper now unfurled
he is our king

today we celebrate
he whom we know as great
this day is his
may it like him be sweet
earth's best known uber-treat
even shatner will today now tweet
"happy b-day el"

--Will Radford