Ok, what brought El back? First, he thought his assistant was covering these blogging tasks, but apparently the assistant was AWOL. El will have to fire him should he ever find out where he is.
Next?? El found out this woman has a book deal! She's going to set the record straight! WELL!?! What about EL?? HMMMM??? Most people think El is merely some cute, preservative-laced cupcake that sits on the shelf, waiting for lax mothers to buy for their kids! Surely El has no life! No history! No, not El! El only does what his corporate sponsors say!
WRONG! Has O'Donnell been painted by the 20th Century's greatest artists?? No. Has El?? Hell yeah! El would link, but he's not used to this blogging thing... his assistant usually did it while El dictated from the other room. Scroll down... find the images yourself!
But back to El's point... has Christine run with the bulls along with Hemingway? El thinks not! Ok, El may not have either... there was a lot of liquor that night and El just remembers that Ernie strapped him into some white ensemble and told him to run. El also remembers large piles of bullshit, but El was used to that with Ernie...
El is guessing Chrissie can't touch any of the fabulosity that El has experienced. Sure, she was some head of some tea party thingie, but you know what? El's had tea with the Queen! Suck on that!! Yes, El's done many things Christiney!
Hey lady, you frustrated lady, cursing at your life You're a discontented tea partier causing nothing but fake strife I've no doubt you dream about the things you'll never do But, I wish someone had talked to me Like I wanna talk to you.....
Oh, I've been to Georgia and California and anywhere they could market me I took the hand of a Susie Q and we made love in the aisle three But I ran out of places and friendly faces because I had to be free I've been to paradise but I've never been to me
Please lady, please lady, don't just walk away 'Cause I have this need to tell you why I'm all alone today I can see so much of me in you, I can see the yearning in your eyes But we don't want you to share a part of a weary heart that has lived million lies....
Oh, I've been to Niece and the Isle of Greece while I've sipped champagne on a yacht I've moved like Harlow in Monte Carlo and showed 'em what I've got I've been undressed by hungry kings and I've seen some things that a cupcake ain't supposed to see I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me
...sorry... El digresses... El has to find a new assistant... and a book deal.
El has been remiss in his blogging duties... that's because El has been forced to go out and prove his relevance in a 21 Century world. El, who once had the world wrapped around his finger. At what point does a supreme cupcake become his own being and stop being a hawker for his creator?? More on that in another post...
El spent this last weekend doing autograph shows. El will not be doing this again. El hopes he will not be doing this again. While El understands the public's desire for contact, their desire to bask in his El-ness, El finds the autograph show to be... what shall we say... less than befitting a cupcake of his stature... a cupcake of his level... a cupcake who has moved beyond mere cupcake status to international cult figure. El is iconic, not pathetic.
El was not meant to sit in a huge room with poor lighting... sitting at a cafeteria table on a folding chair. El would have thought that the backers of this event might have thought that putting a cupcake anywhere near a cafeteria table might elicit less than pleasant feelings in said cupcake...
Still... El did his job... El mingled with the masses. El signed, and signed, and signed, and signed... El posed for photos. El gave words of wisdom. El looked resplendent.... looked being the operative word. It's going to take weeks to get the damn fingerprints out of this icing...
It has come to El's attention that you and he are in the same boat... once overwhelmingly famous, only to find out that now, we've been relegated to the D-List, but relegated by whom, Paulina?? Certainly not themselves. No, they know better. Once an iconic figure who socializes with kings, always an iconic figure who socializes with kings.
They will not be relegated to the D-List.
Or... if they must be, at they've got each other. El's in need of a project. Have your assistant call his...
El's been rearranging Snackhambra again and ran across one of his favorite pieces of furniture... his custom BarcELona chair. Yes, BarcELona... at least that's what Mies named it.
You see, El didn't only have an impact on painters. No, no one was or is immune to that squiggle... El's iconic embellishment. Not even Mies... student of "form follows function"... less is more... you get the idea.
Maybe it was a case of opposites attract, but no matter how different their approach, El being all about the more, Mies being all about the bare bones, stripped down glory, El and Mies were instantly the best of friends... And so Mies dared to adorn his beloved Barcelona chair with an unneeded, totally frivolous embellishment (although he tried to claim it was a headrest and therefore had function) and renamed it the "BarcELona Chair".
El always loved Mies for that. El also wanted solid gold legs, but Mies drew the line. It was chrome or nothing. Pffft. Oh well.
It's Show a Zombie Some Luv Day... have you hugged your zombie today? Zombies, often maligned in the arts, are really sensitive, caring souls... or would be... you know, if they had a soul. Still, they want their attention, they want their props, and who are we to deny them?
El's time has come... Apparently Hostess is finally honoring El with a squiggle art contest/campaign... El thinks Hostess is finally reading his blog... El's squiggle has been honored for some time...
Others may have forgotten that it's El's world, but El hasn't. Take that Little Debbie! Yes, you get your corporate jet, but El still has the world...
And... El is hoping that Hostess might just work out a little deal for El with The Shatner...
All hail El Snacktator!
Update: El's advisers (yes, he has them... he's not totally a solo act, even though he rules the world) have suggested that Hostess come to him, that he not go to them. El is his own being... but then he always knew that.
El must confess to occasionally watching The Real Housewives of NYC... and while El enjoys the train wreck that is this show, El is wondering why Bravo is not calling him. El has a much more colorful existence. El also happens to be stylish. El would also be willing to make a really bad dance record...
El has been distracted lately by this thing called life. Yes, even El has issues. Even El has things to deal with, but apparently he deals with it all with aplomb because El also gets lots of mail (of the e and snail variety) asking for advice.
See exhibit A:
May I call you El? I feel like you wouldn't mind.
Lately I've been wondering what to do with my life. It's ok, but I feel there could be more. You seem to live a fabulous existence and never seem to be at a loss for what to do next. What do you suggest I do?
Well, as you can imagine, El was thrilled to get this piece of mail... and El was happy to tell William exactly what he could do.
El is wondering if the deep thoughts mentioned in the previous post, and seen in the post before that, are coming from his good friend... Große Fette Eule... El knows that while he is wise, nothing is wiser than Große Fette Eule. Of course, El is still more powerful... and more stylish. And let's face it, has more going on, but still, El will give props to the wise old owl.
El thinks Große Fette Eule likes El because he's round... echoing the roundness that is the owl's eyes... echoing the roundness that is that owl. El can get behind the owl. What El can't get behind are owl pellets. El finds them a tad nasty. El's all for understanding that internal workings are not the same... after all, El is filled with cream, but still... owl pellets. Mmmm... no. El prefers the owl to regurgitate wise thoughts, not pellets.
Yes, El gets mail... all sorts of mail. Most of the time El is flattered. Most of the time... and then there are the times when El gets mail like this:
Dear Mr. Snacktator,
My daughter, Lucy, is having her 7th birthday next month. Can I rent you for the party? Do you make balloon animals? Can we eat you after you're finished entertaining the kids? Will it really be you or just a stand-in? I'm not sure I understand how there can be so many Els. I'm thinking it must be something similar to Santa and his elves. I sure do love you though and always have.
Please let us know about the party. If you can't do it, we'll have to see if we can rent a clown. My daughter's first choice was Little Debbie, but apparently she's someone now... has her own jet and all. Debbie doesn't do parties anymore, but suggested that you might.
We still love you though. Really.
After El regained consciousness, he reminded himself to write Little Debbie a thank you... and then he spent the rest of the day in a funk, wondering how the mighty have indeed fallen. How is it that one day you're the king of the world, deciding between an invite from Picasso and Hemingway, and the next, you've got Janice McQueen asking you if you'll do kids' parties and if all of those cupcakes are really you. El doesn't even know how to answer that one. El wants to say...
Get help... and perhaps an education.
But El won't. El still has manners, and El is appreciative of any mail... of anyone who remembers... because on some days when he's roaming around his huge estate, talking to nothing more than his loyal moose and perhaps the condiment containers, El wonders if it might not be time to do the kiddie circuit...
El bets William Shatner has never gone through this... not even between gigs... when he barely had the money for a new toupee...
El read a snippet in the news yesterday that suggested The Shatner's new show was going to be a bust. El just wants The Shatner to know that he will be here... ready to work... ready to form a duet that will boldly go where no duet has gone before.
El would also like to say that Anderson Cooper has released him from the sticky bonds of Facebook purgatory. Was he released into the warm embrace of Anderson's friendship?
He was not.
El, knowing that Anderson must surely have made a mistake, jumped right back into purgatory! El's no fool!
It's really The Shat's b-day and... "International Talk Like William Shatner Day"!! El would like an "International El Talks to William Shatner YEAR!" Or... "International William Shatner Talks to El Snacktator Year!"
Well, El can't talk like William Shatner, but he can look like him!
El loves you Shat!! We will work together some day!
El has been sorting through the vaults again and ran past this... one of the many portraits Pablo Picasso did of El. El loved Pablo. Pablo loved El. They just seemed to understand each other... each smaller yet more powerful than the average soul. Each playful, yet serious... Each king of the world in their own way. El misses Pablo...
While El has always loved being the center of Pablo's attention, El was often tempted to point out to him that most portraits really looked like Pablo. Oh hell, Pablo couldn't even paint a bull without making it look like Pablo! The man was a genius, but he had blinders on... blinders with a mirror attached to the front!
Oh well, Pablo could have given El 3 breasts...
And why did Picasso seek out El for portrait after portrait? Again... it was that damn squiggle. No one can resist the squiggle... especially Pablo... the man who said, "It took me four years to paint like Raphael, but a lifetime to paint like a child."
El is thinking he needs his own talk show. El is even willing to have guests who talk about themselves and not just El, although El will understand if the guest is wanting to talk about him.
El is thinking cozy, intimate conversation. El is thinking early morning, still in jammies. El is thinking Oprah is leaving anyhow. Who wouldn't want to spend their morning listening to the world's most powerful cupcake? Who wouldn't want to spend their morning looking at the world's most powerful cupcake??
El has been in Anderson Cooper's Facebook purgatory for weeks now. El's not even sure why he approached friendship with Anderson, but seems to recall Facebook suggesting it. Anderson and El have mutual friends. El, being the benevolent despotic type, must have thought, well sure... El can be buddies with Anderson (or even a faux Anderson), and must have sent the request.
Weeks later... El is languishing in Anderson's purgatory. At first El thought perhaps Anderson is not on Facebook that often, but noticed that since requesting friendship, has been privy to Anderson's newsfeed. He's seen that Anderson is befriending others! BUT NOT EL!
Befriend El or cut him lose Anderson! El owns you anyway... Facebook friendship or not.
Don't force El to don the infamous black t-shirt and generous poof of silvery hair. El will go all Snackderson Cooper on your hiney if he has to.
El has loved The Shatner since he was terrified at 20,000 feet. El even has recordings of the Shatner... and, has listened. Something not many have done. El listened and became a transformed Snacktator.
However... it is as Capt Kirk that El feels The Shatner truly rules... and therefore, on occasion, dresses up as Captain Kirktator. El prefers the wrap tunic... the v-neck elongating his roundish features.
William Shatner?? If you're out there... El is available for duets... or perhaps, a cameo!
Another one of El's favorite portraits would have to be the whimsical wire sculpture done by good friend, Sandy Calder. There was no formal sitting, no planning, it just happened after a wonderful dinner. El was talking about El, something El is good at doing, while Sandy worked the wire.
In Calder's piece, we see El stripped down once more, but whereas Hopper's stripped down version of El is filled with angst and loneliness... Calder's take on El was much more playful, but then Sandy was a happier man than Ed.
However... lonely artist, happy artist, it just doesn't matter... no one can resist the lure of the squiggle.
A secret that El doesn't share with everyone... El has many squiggles. Yes, they're removable. El even has squiggles with differing numbers of loops. Next time you hear the rumor that El must have 7, you tell them you know better! El sometimes has 6... and even up to 8. It's a mood thing.
Even infamous cranky boy, Jackson Pollock, was not immune to El's light-hearted squiggle. Pollock, most famous for his abstract expressionism, especially his "drip" paintings, could not help but give a nod to that come hither loop-de-loop of icing.
Pollock attempted to paint El 5 times, reducing El to 100% abstraction, with no true realistic representation, but no matter how hard he tried, that squiggle kept emerging. He finally let it be.
El is lucky Pollock finished any piece as during the process, El took to calling him Snackson Pollock. Needless to say, Pollock was not amused.
El has reached into his private collection one more time to share with the world just how much the world's artists loved El. They couldn't get enough... wanting to capture El's je ne sais quoi. El couldn't blame them.
Let's just say... the man has a way with the baked goods... that and the fact that his work often falls into the category of Pop Art due to his interest in objects of mass culture. Well... El is a baked good... and El is definitely an icon of mass culture.
Many, many years ago, El was hanging out with good friend Edward Hopper when Ed mentioned that he wanted to do El's portrait. El was thrilled and already had visions of dramatic shadows... El posing in is best dictatorial garb! Or perhaps, El would be in a scene like Nighthawks. El always liked Nighthawks... but no, Ed, bastard that he was, had other ideas.
It seems Ed wanted El stripped down. He wanted El Unplugged and suggested a time of day when El was not quite one with the world, but lost in his thoughts. Thoughts of grandeur no doubt! El could see it, he would be propped up on his resplendent Deco bed... in his comfy silk jammies. Sure El would do it.
But no, Ed felt this was not stripped down enough. He wanted El to be isolated... stripped of any comfort he knew. El swears that Hopper went through this damn isolation phase for approximately 3/4's of his career! People got it Ed! We're together, but we're alone!
Still, Ed never really painted anyone, but that wife of his so El consented. El does have an ego after all and being painted by Hopper was still a coup... and dictators can rarely resist a coup. Off they went. El suspected he'd be at Ed's studio, but alas, Ed took him to some fleabag of a motel in Brooklyn! There were no silk jammies to be had, merely a nasty, used frock that somewhat resembled a large man's undershirt. El thought he might be able to wear his hat, but no... there was to be no hat, no medals, only El with the weight of the world on his shoulders and the unbearable loneliness that being a snack cake dictator can bring. El had it all... and yet he was utterly alone... it's lonely being at the top...
El was happy with the outcome and imagined it one day hanging in a museum alongside other famous tributes to El, but no... Hopper decided he wasn't happy with El... he wanted someone else, someone more familiar... and when El saw it, hanging in front of an adoring crowd... who did he see, but that damn wife.
Oh well, she deserved it. Ed really was a bastard...
El was at a fabulous party this weekend. El assumed he was on the A-List, but found out he was relegated to the buffet table... El doesn't get it. He'd throw up his hands in exasperation if they weren't always up anyhow.
There was a time when El could not be in enough places at once, spending time at Studio 54, hanging at Robert Evans' California playpen, or sitting on this board or that. There was a time when El was almost too hip for the room, but now... well, he overheard one guest saying El was more like Norma Desmond... one with a loose grip on reality, oblivious to the fact that he is irrelevant.
Ok, El does live in a huge estate... more or less alone... except for a few trusty pals.... digging through relics of his past. But...
Taken from Gardner's Art Through the Ages: Few people realize the relevance of El Snacktator in 20th Century Art. El tantalized and teased artists, bringing out their best and their worst.
Today's offering from El's vault is a fabulous piece done by onetime good friend, Ed Leeteg. For those not familiar with Leeteg, he is better known as the Father of Modern Velvet Painting. While Leetag's preferred subject matter was nubile Tahitian woman... he was also known to do quick velvet renderings of dear friends.
The accompanying painting of El was done during El's last visit to Leeteg's, Villa Velour estate. A few drinks and some good conversation led to some studio time. Leeteg died soon after in a motorcycle crash. El is forever grateful he made the visit and that he took the time to sit for his good friend.
Few in the art world are aware of this painting's existence. Those few realize that it is irreplaceable and priceless... the melding of two unique and kitschy beings.
As Leeteg was quoted as saying, "My paintings belong in a gin mill, not a museum. If this modern crap is art, then just call my paintings beautiful. Don't call them art."
Dear Mr. Leeteg. We beg to differ... and so does El.
Move over Sean Connery, there's a new Zed in town!
El, lover of bad movies, was fortunate enough to receive a Zed costume for his birthday. El not only appears to be holding his own, El appears to be dominating. If Boorman ever decides to do a Zardoz sequel, it seems only apropos that El be the lead.
Update: El's people have heard from Connery's people. Apparently they feel El is not man enough to sport the singlet. You decide!
El has been blown off by The Shatner... and on his b-day no less. Yes, today is El's b-day, and while he's basking in luv over at Facebook, he must come here to share his private feelings... He's been blown off by William Shatner.
Apparently William has found other work. It's ok. El realizes he needs to work... unlike El who is financially secure. El understands. But still... on El's b-day Bill?? Couldn't you have broken the news on another day??!?
El wishes you well... El will go one. And El won't hold a grudge... for too long. El might still be open to a holiday special. You know, a duet or something. Call me!
Yes, El has been in seclusion... licking his Shatner wounds... wondering if he still has a place in a world that once loved him... but El is back... and why?? Because Little Debbie has gotten her own corporate jet! There would be no Little Debbie if it weren't for El! El paved the way. El even let her use his squiggle... and what does El get? A thank you? A hat tip? No, El gets nada.
Times have been tough. El has had to sell off many things, including his jet... and has Debbie been there to lend a hand? No... she's too busy on her jet... rubbing salt in El's wound.
Oh El's back. El's not taking this one lying down. El's had more of a history than she could dream about. El will get his jet back. El will recapture the world! And... maybe a duet with The Shatner. El hasn't lost his dreams. And, El hasn't forgotten about Little Debbie's early days. El will leave it at that.