Callista Attacks!!!

El kept thinking that Mrs. Gingrich reminded him of someone... and then it dawned on him. El apologizes to Lisa Marie...

Revealing Pix of El Snacktator's Package!!!

Oh dear! El is not sure how, but a lewd and lascivious photo of El's package has gotten out and is being shared across the interwebs!



Yes, El has tweeted his package... El refuses to resign. El still rules the world. Get used to it.

For those wondering about El's real package... he refers you to Exhibit A:

El Gets Mail

Yes, El still receives many, many letters/e-mails a day... some requesting advice, some requesting marriage, some just extolling El's virtues. El likes those the best, but hey, attention is attention, so El is appreciative of all.

El's most recent e-mail requested more info about... El! Ms. Laura H. of Bemidji, MN (El had never heard of Bemidji before, but was happy to read that it is a historically charming, progressive and beautiful north woods city to visit.) Although El has shared plenty of his past, not to mention that El's beginnings are very much a part of the public record, Ms. H wanted to know any little idiosyncrasies that might not be common knowledge. El is more than happy to oblige. Ms. H?? Are you paying attention??

Fun Facts about El!

1) All El facts are fun.
2) El can do almost anything with gloves on... and his hands raised in the air.
3) El sleeps on his back. Really, this is a no-brainer.
4) El's squiggles are removable and varied (see last paragraph here)... El changes it as he changes his mind.
5) El firmly believes in live and let live. El has noticed during his many decades on the planet that most people get their undies in a knot and tell others what to do, while demanding that others not tell them what to do. Really??
6) El is afraid of the word "kerfuffle". Let's just leave it at that.
7) Every single cupcake with any variety of squiggle is merely an homage to the one and only true El. When they made El Snacktator, they broke the mold... because they knew people wouldn't want to eat cupcakes that talk... OK, OK, El was a reject. El was a baking plan gone awry. At least that's what they'll tell you. But that's a post for another time...
8) El is a better Rorschach test than the Rorschach test. They have even had Rorschach tests read El's posts to see what the Rorschach test was thinking.
9) El dances daily.
10) El loves dogs... probably because dogs are not supposed to eat chocolate.
11) El is not very tall. El knows this surprises some.
12) El had first shot at Marlon Brando's role in A Streetcar Named Desire, but El was too charismatic. They felt they had to go with someone with less je ne sais quoi... El understood.
13) El was the only cameo cut out of The Aristocrats... again, it was that superb timing and out of control charisma... Oh well, El always thought it would have been funnier had it been "A cupcake walks into an agent's office..."
14) El has a stalker... El won't name any names... DYLAN BRODY! El takes solace in the fact that he has an eloquent stalker... a humorous stalker... a man who brings a certain intellectual prestige to stalking...
15) El's favorite word? Moose. He loves the way his lips gently pucker, and his nostrils gently flair while saying it. Mmmmoose. Say it with El! Mmmmmoose! See?? It's good... and given that Laura H. lives in Northern Minnesota, El is guessing she can relate.

El hopes that satisfied your curiosity Laura! El is eternally complex and eternally changing... so don't be surprised if you come back next week and find all of his answers have changed... It's El's world. He's allowed to do that.

The Evil Eyebrow

El's sleep was plagued with nightmares of being chased by vicious, flapping eyebrows. El found himself running through the streets, much like Tippi Hedren in The Birds, while predatory eyebrows came swooping down. However, unlike Tippi, El had no phone booth in which to hide.

El is thinking his dreams may have spawned from this... or perhaps his nightmares were merely influenced by the preponderance of crap that is spewing from his neighbor's cottonwood tree (note to sELf... buy a larger estate). Icing and cottonwood fluff do not mix. El will remain indoors until the horror is over.

Few people can deny the glow that a nod from El imbues... Updated!

... well, except maybe Das Shat... Das Shat who never, ever acknowledged the wonder that is El. Come to think of it... neither did Connery! He was probably just jealous because El rocked the Zardoz singlet better than he ever did!

But who has acknowledged the power that is El?? That feeling of "bafflement and wonder" that only a nod from El can bring??

Yes, you know it... El's new BFF*... Dylan.

I give you exhibit A:


El understands. And... apparently Dylan knows upon which side his bread is buttered... or cupcake is frosted... although El's not really frosted because El's not angry... or El is frosted... just iced, you know? But not on ice. Oh never mind.

El has been spurned for so long that a little wind up his trench coat goes a long way.

Update:

Here's an actual video of El acting as Dylan. El thinks he did a pretty good job. Special note to ZRM... you'll appreciate the nod to correct grammar.






* until El, who often suffers from ADD or MSG, moves on...

dELan Brodytator

OK, El lied. El has not called it quits, he was just depressed. Certain despots have been giving all despots a bad name these days and El felt it was tarnishing his reputation.

Also, a few weeks ago, El was up for The Huffington Post's "7 Sites You Should Be Wasting Your Time On Right Now!" El was snubbed for cats and babies. Pffft. There was a day when people couldn't get enough of El, but El was suspecting that his time was past... he was becoming nothing more than a baked version of Norma Desmond.

El then realized his real and true Facebook friend, Dylan Brody, wrote for The Huffington Post. Hmm, Dylan is no despot, but rather, a regular (some would protest this) guy. What would life be like if El lived as a regular man, yet one who still receives the adulation of the masses?? El was intrigued. Not to mention the fact that Dylan has hair... El's always wanted hair, but hair and baked goods usually don't mix... but still... what would life be like?

El decided to go undercover as Dylan... an award winning playwright, humorist and thrice published author and a regular contributor to The Huffington Post. In recent years, he has emerged as a radio raconteur, whose witty and profound tales of his journey through life are unique, yet utterly recognizable to everyone, earning him a reputation as one of America’s fastest rising storytellers.

Well! Smell him! Never mind that El is the one and only snack cake dictator... But El digresses... Dylan it would be.

Although it was intriguing to have hair and eyebrows, El's not sure people bought it. El thinks he looks a bit more like Raymond Burr... and everyone knows Raymond Burr and his career are both dead. Still, it was fun being out there... taking environmental publicity shots that highlighted that hair... oh that hair...

One other thing about the hair though... El realized it's frickin' hot. Perhaps that's why he kept sweating... and El means nonstop brow and upper lip sweat. Dear. Lord. Or perhaps it was because El was performing on stage. Those lights are hot. Or perhaps that was just El doing Dylan a little too well.

Anyhow, El's got his mojo back... and his smooth pate.

Fini??

El is thinking perhaps the days of despots are over... even benevolent ones who merely wanted to support the arts... or support their own egos... or both...